A few weeks back I listened to a movie called “the price of pleasure” about the porn industry and everything that surrounds it. I listen to documentary movies while coding websites, that’s my form of multitasking.
Anyway this one’s difficult for me, because I’ve been a consumer of porn for a while now and I’m ashamed of myself because of it. I was told once as a kid by my mum that masturbation is a mortal sin, although she doesn’t remember… I do though, I thought it meant I was going to hell and they’d be nothing that could ever remove that stain from my soul.
Its going to be hard to publish this, because of that feeling but my theory is that if I can’t be honest, I can’t grow because growth needs me to come out of this fixed “acceptable” pretence of myself I live in. So honesty is at least a step out of the mask even if only temporarily.
I don’t really want to summarise the movie but I’ll add a link if you want to watch, but what struck me is how sad it is that selling and marketing sex has helped to remove people further from finding real love-based intimacy with another person, and that’s the price in the end we pay, at least its one of the main one’s.
For me there’s a sadness, I don’t know exactly what it is, but I know that fantasising about an unattainable woman that sexually wants me (even though I know its an act), has to mean that I don’t feel I’m wanted, that the most inner aspects of myself aren’t worthy of being desired.
This is so deep in me that even though I am with someone that I feel sincerely loves me and does want me and is a very beautiful woman in ever respect, there’s a hole that’s still in me that love can’t reach and on top of that I mostly deny it even exists. But that hole must exist in me because I still feel I lack whatever it is that would allow me to be loved. No one could ever fill this while I’m still cutting off real love from myself. I cut it off because I cant believe deep down I deserve it. The odd thing is its only real and tangible love that will show me I’m wrong, but even knowing that, still I don’t want to let that in.
So there’s a fundamental pain I’m trying to cover. This is not an excuse, this is just the truth.
Some believe its natural that we all have insecurities, and maybe it is to the extent that right now we all do to various degrees, but preying on these to make money isn’t going to help address that. That’s what the porn industry does though, it capitalises on our inner pain.
Truthfully though, its not just the porn industry, obviously its in the interest of most big $$ industries that people are insecure because temporary fixes need an ongoing supply and they’ll supply it readily – of course for a price. Every facet of every particular human pain is just another market to exploit, that’s how it is for most of the big money makers today.
How is it though we are now at a place where things that don’t actually exist without us imagining them up – things like markets, money etc. have a higher value over even ourselves – real flesh and blood men and woman? Its higher because we sacrifice the real potential of humanity, we limit it, we increase our suffering for something that’s imagined up by we ourselves.
What I’m saying is we use these things as a justification to worsen the condition of ourselves but when you look at it that way its not even a tangible justification, the results speak for themselves. Whenever a socially made up thing is more important than real living people, which is a worldwide phenomena right now, we know we’ve got something wrong happening.
I justify my own addictions too, so I’m no saint. I must be justifying my consumption of porn by the sadness and frustrations I have, even while I know that the industry exploits people and helps to reduce real people’s ability to know sincere human connections, I ignore all that and let myself compromise myself.
In the end my sadness is not real either in the sense that its based on my personal feelings about myself, not reality. So I too compromise myself for something which isn’t necessarily the truth about who I am. They are my feelings about myself and there’s a deeper grief, true, but these aren’t an objective measure of my actual value as a person. But while I believe otherwise, I’m cutting myself off from me, others and the possibility of knowing God.
Isn’t that exactly what we’re missing though, real connections, to our real selves, to real people, to the real God? Most of the time we’re living via other people’s ideas of what’s acceptable and we compromise ourselves along those lines, and we all do it to degrees, so we say its normal or its human nature or something like that. That’s a convenient way to deny we’re not being completely true to ourselves in the end. I know I do it, I let myself do all manner of things that are normal because “everyone does it!”
If “normal” or acceptable actually is a good guidepost to live by then the world wouldn’t be in the mess it’s in, so its not. Normal at any rate is a perception, because who can really know every single person’s thoughts, feelings, beliefs and actions at any given time to make that judgement of what’s normal?
A lot of the time all we rely is the opinions of others we respect to help us determine what’s acceptable and that’s where big business / organisations / governments put in all their resources to help manage the direction of those perceptions. That’s why it seems to matter what some celebrity says or does etc. and that’s why its big business to sponsor famous people but that’s just one simple way of many ways to manage perception an the direction of what we accept and what we crave. What direction would that favour though if its not coming from our own hearts? Not mine, not yours, not anyone’s in the end.
Anyway, how does jerking off to porn compare to real loving sex with my wife? Well with porn, I view it, I get all excited by seeing people having sex, it’s like a peak and a sudden and very steep drop. I feel shit to begin with so I seek the fix, I get a moment of excitement, then I feel like shit again only worse than before. Its always like that for me. The exception is when I’m fantasying about my wife, so that’s much better for me judging by my own feelings.
With love making its much much longer, I actually have to feel good to be in it, then its like I feel closer and closer until my incessant thoughts are gone and I’m just feeling close. I sometimes feel like we’re so connected that we could be the same being. Then when its perfect, its really perfect, we hug and breathe heavily and hug some more. I’m talking here when we’re both really connected and for that like I said I have to be in a good feeling place to begin with. The result though is I feel so much better, relaxed and content.
So that’s the difference.
We started off like that as a couple and it happened much more readily and most of the time was an amazing experience. Then when we started struggling through life, and my porn habits got more frequent, the sex wasn’t as good anymore and got less and less. It made me feel terrible, like I couldn’t make her sexually pleased, like I’m no real man and that just made me feel down and downer again. So it was just easier to ignore it an not be reminded by having sex that exposed me, so my desire would wane more and more. What happened to me many times too was that the porn bleed into my real sex life and I couldn’t get aroused. I’d have thoughts of porn scenes or woman and I’d feel so bad about myself when that occurred, that it would be an automatic shut down for me and I couldn’t continue.
It wasn’t always like that, we’d still be able to have that amazing sex but there were definite times like long periods when sex was just too difficult for me, too much to face and that kind of lead me to want more porn.
I’m not blaming porn, but the fact is porn wouldn’t be so successful or it wouldn’t be an industry if people like myself weren’t covering some inner pain with it. The same goes for those porn stars that get hooked into that lifestyle, they wouldn’t do it either if they weren’t in some type of impoverishment or they had no inner pain inside of them either. Even the simple pain of believing that a real loving relationship is not possible, that one that many have, carries a lot of emotional pain that many of us have. Its even an acceptable belief.
See, I don’t believe love is a fairy tale, I’ve seen how love has personally changed me, it’s made me strive to be more honest, more real, sometimes despite myself but knowing and feeling that this person really loves me, knows me and will always know me better than anyone, sees my flaws and sees what’s good in me, but all the while loves me for who I am, this leaves me no choice in someways not to grow. I hope I can inspire the same for the one I love, luckily I’m married to her and see her everyday 🙂
The amazing thing about love is it promotes growth, always. When you’re no longer growing or you’ve stagnated like I feel myself to have been lately, its a good indication love is lacking. For me its often lack of love for myself.