I wish sometimes it could all go away. All the pain in the world, all those who struggle against odds, just trying to have a life that we all dream about as kids. Its not this place. This world where everything is so hard to come by, where people harm each other, where bombs drop on families who struggle like mine to live freely, but instead kids get broken and cycles of suffering turn like clockwork for generations.
What can I do? I don’t even know if half the time I can heal myself. I don’t know if I can open myself up to letting myself heal. How can I, broken and so unsure about how I can help myself and help my immediate loved ones, offer anything of worth to the world with problems so much greater in magnitude?
I wish I had some good words, some insight that I could explain it all away with, but I don’t. I’m asking you, where am I to go? What am I to do? How can I best be completely true, completely unafraid, completely humble? I’m most of the time arrogant, I say to myself I have the answers, I have the solutions, its all simple and its just time and effort, but I’m just hiding behind those cliches. They are my lullabies.
I know some things. I know that deep down I feel my real self is not good enough, so I cannot give to that real part of me, not much anyway. First I need proof because I can’t seem to believe I am worth it. So I’ve made myself the one who measures and deals out rations to myself, because the rest is reserved for getting proof.
The proof I want is my work for love, I’ve not taken much, I’ve sacrificed, so I can now be rewarded with being loved. The problem is though, I mostly can’t see the rewards, they couldn’t have been for me, it was just all that work, all that rationing, and that’s not really me, so the real me retreats and wants to disappear.
But all that real self is – is a child, a child I wish I had the chance to hold and say “its OK, you are perfect right now, as you are, that no matter what you do or don’t do it won’t change this one bit, that you are deserving of love as you are and all the time”.
After all, I was just a child, as all of us were once just children, fragile, beautiful, completely unique, awe inspiring, gifts to the world completely deserving of love. Its easy to see in kids but in reality, I’m still a child, aren’t we all?