Paddling out in the surf today a guy screamed at me “get the fuck out of my way”, after I said I wasn’t in his way, that his choice of wave was wrong and he shouldn’t blame me for it, he threatened to punch my head in while grabbing my board to shake me off. After that, two of his friends told me if I didn’t leave I’d get a punch to the face too, so after a few minutes of staying put and getting lots of angry looks from a group of surfers, my guess part of the infamous “bra boys” gang, I caught a wave in and didn’t go back to that spot on the beach.
I’ve been angry about it all day though, I’ve even fantasized about fighting him, breaking the guy’s fingers, somehow forcing an apology because I felt wrongly attacked by an arsehole and moron.
But this isn’t the point of my story. The point of the story is this: that if there is a way, a way of aligning to a higher order let’s say, or what some people call the will of God, and that when I’m not following it, everything and everyone around me will somehow let me know about it, then maybe I’m off the way, even still an obstacle on it. If that’s the case, I’d have to be humble enough to take note, see what’s off in me and then make some changes – that is if I hope to align myself to the course of everything else around me, or more simply align to God’s way.
It’s difficult though, because I feel already off inside myself, not only that but I feel the world is a hostile place with hostile people and I’m resentful about it, and want to control it all. I really hate getting attacked as much as (if I’m completely honest) being wrong.
I hate being wrong to the extent that I rarely let myself feel wrong, I mostly feel I’m right and those that disagree by extension must be wrong. It’s painful to feel otherwise but it’s clear to me that there’s no way I can learn anything if I stay this way, there’s no way I can grow, there’s no way I can drop my resentment, my anger and my own hostility to the world, to others and to God – who I’m still trying to figure out who that is by the way.
I really don’t want to be in the way of my own growth and my striving to know God any longer. I hope I can learn to be more open and humble to what’s being revealed to me.
Truth is, perhaps I was somehow in that surfer’s way and maybe if I felt truly OK with myself I could have responded simply with: “sorry I didn’t realise that, I’ll move over a bit” or something like that. Possibly if I was OK in myself to begin with, it wouldn’t have occurred in the first place, who knows?
At least I’m getting a bit clearer on the fact that moving my righteousness over a bit will help me learn more. Also seeing that there’s lots of anger, hostility and resentment in me already – things I hate to see in myself, so I avoid it, who am I to judge who’s an angry moron?
I’m also trying to look at all this stuff with more self compassion, which is very hard too because I’m much more familiar and comfortable with self judgement. I’m trying to just surrender to it, to not try and control my thoughts and feelings all the time but hand it over to my God. Let go and let God in as they say.
So here goes…