I really hate the last post I wrote. There’s a lot of self punishing in it, a lot of reaching desperately for approval, a lot of victimising myself and so on. Its hard to be compassionate to myself even seeing that its just my hurt child not aware of how to feel loved, feeling powerless to do anything about it and doing only what he felt he could do.
But I prefer to judge myself, look at myself as a thing to despise, which is really another way to avoid feeling what it is to be that child who is in pain. At least if I can picture myself as a little boy, scared and in pain, for now I don’t want to be as harsh on him. Perhaps one day I can be more compassionate and soft.
I listened to a talk by Cornelius from the first Australian Assistance Group, called recognising addictions in relationships, there was homework at the end of it, and I’m thinking it would be good for me to examine myself based on the homework and present it here as I do that. Here’s that talk:
The homework was to write about:
– every time I feel compelled, frenzied, infatuated, desperate etc.
– what I do to satisfy those compulsions?
– what I do when the compulsions are not satisfied?
– what frustrates me with my relationship with God?
I was at this event for a short time but missed this talk. Only now I listened to it. I left early and was only there for two days out of the ten. There was a lot going on and things were coming to a sticking point in my relationship with my wife. I had a choice to change all that for the better. I thought I did chose the better and left, now I’m not so sure I did.
At the time Jesus invited me to do an interview that would have covered a lot of these things for me. At first I was going to do it, even though I felt cornered and was also angry about that. In the end I decided not to do it, I went home straight away to sort out the problems my wife and I were having. Honestly I wanted to feel her love for me again and I didn’t want to lose her or my family for some group of people that I felt at the time didn’t really care about that.
Jesus replied back to an email I wrote him recently, where I asked him about this. What he wrote has impelled me to really take stock of myself and what happened for me around the Assistance Group. I emailed back and was a bit defensive, which is bad considering I was the one who asked for his opinion. I don’t want to do that kind of stuff anymore. Its really a shitty thing for me to do. That and also reflecting on what I did last year at the event gives me a clearer mirror to see what I don’t want to see about myself and it also shows me just how deep into addictions and denial I really must be in.
Even though its hard to investigate all this and I don’t really want to, at the same time, I do want to improve and even have a relationship with God, my wife and in the end myself. I’m thinking to do that I need to put effort into examining the addictions I have in my marriage as a first step as this seems to be one of my biggest obstacles right now. If I can do that, and do so honestly I think I’ll have a chance to really improve things. Otherwise I don’t things will improve much and even probably just get worse.
To be continued