Just a child

20130910-230044.jpg

Hala as a fairy

I wish sometimes it could all go away. All the pain in the world, all those who struggle against odds, just trying to have a life that we all dream about as kids. Its not this place. This world where everything is so hard to come by, where people harm each other, where bombs drop on families who struggle like mine to live freely, but instead kids get broken and cycles of suffering turn like clockwork for generations.

What can I do? I don’t even know if half the time I can heal myself. I don’t know if I can open myself up to letting myself heal. How can I, broken and so unsure about how I can help myself and help my immediate loved ones, offer anything of worth to the world with problems so much greater in magnitude?

I wish I had some good words, some insight that I could explain it all away with, but I don’t. I’m asking you, where am I to go? What am I to do? How can I best be completely true, completely unafraid, completely humble? I’m most of the time arrogant, I say to myself I have the answers, I have the solutions, its all simple and its just time and effort, but I’m just hiding behind those cliches. They are my lullabies.

I know some things. I know that deep down I feel my real self is not good enough, so I cannot give to that real part of me, not much anyway. First I need proof because I can’t seem to believe I am worth it. So I’ve made myself the one who measures and deals out rations to myself, because the rest is reserved for getting proof.

The proof I want is my work for love, I’ve not taken much, I’ve sacrificed, so I can now be rewarded with being loved. The problem is though, I mostly can’t see the rewards, they couldn’t have been for me, it was just all that work, all that rationing, and that’s not really me, so the real me retreats and wants to disappear.

But all that real self is – is a child, a child I wish I had the chance to hold and say “its OK, you are perfect right now, as you are, that no matter what you do or don’t do it won’t change this one bit, that you are deserving of love as you are and all the time”.

After all, I was just a child, as all of us were once just children, fragile, beautiful, completely unique, awe inspiring, gifts to the world completely deserving of love. Its easy to see in kids but in reality, I’m still a child, aren’t we all?

6 thoughts on “Just a child

  1. telloutmysoul

    Hi David Great to be hearing from you again. How do you feel a truly loving and compassionate father or mother would respond to their little baby soul child in your situation, struggling with the reality of all the cruelty in the world.

    Reply
    1. David Wall Post author

      Hi Amanda, to answer your question, a loving parent would respond with love whatever the situation, but I’m not sure if that answers you right. But I’m not sure too it was really an open question. Why did you ask?

      Reply
      1. telloutmysoul

        I’ve been dwelling a lot lately on judging ourselves, self-punishment, compassion, self-love and desiring to live in harmony with God’s Laws. Your post felt to me like it was coming from a slightly punishing place and my experience of that is that it just leads into a downward spiral for me,takes me away from my real issues and is not how God wants me to treat myself.

      2. David Wall Post author

        Perhaps what I wrote was voicing my real issues, because a lot of those feelings I’ve carried for a long as I can remember, I would never before express them, even admit them to myself. So for me it helps expressing that, often in writing, sometimes I publish those here, often I don’t. If you reread the last couple of paragraphs it answers your original question, so I wondered why you would ask. Maybe its something to think more about because it sounds like it might bother you how I write about those things.

      3. telloutmysoul

        Thanks David. I definitely do feel confused. I thought I did feel some disapproval from you to you but as you say it might be mine and I’m not owning it. I do feel a lot of distress myself if I see someone else in distress.

      4. David Wall Post author

        There was for sure, its just the way you questioned it was like a judgement. But like you said seems like you were projecting something in you on top of it, if you know what I mean. I hope that doesn’t come across like a judgment back, because to be sure, I do and have done exactly the same many times, struggling with my own issues and projecting things on others. Its been helpful for me sometimes that others could point this out on occasions, so why I’m mentioning.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s