I’ve not really become much of a better person since following Divine Truth. Sure things have changed, I’m more honest, but I’m still scared of being exactly me around everyone. I don’t mean in a way that I’m not considerate, mostly I am but all in all, if I ask myself a tough question – am I a profoundly better person now than I was a year ago, I can’t say I am. I am rather self critical so I asked Maja if that was true, and she kind of confirmed it but not as stark as my own view. She said I’ve slowly grown more open and kind, not as dramatic as when I first started listening to AJ and Mary, but I’ve “not gone backwards”!
I wrote an email to my Dad just a moment ago telling him I love him, but I’m sad about our relationship, I was really honest, probably more so than I had been before, but honesty is hard for me. It’s not only honesty with words, I’m talking more about honesty in the sense that what I say and do reflects how I feel. Most of the time I don’t even know how I feel, I switch off, it’s actually my common state, switch off and not feel, so I’m a real novice a being real. Take my job, most days I’m looking at a computer screen, lately I’ve few meetings, so it’s just 8 hours a day sitting, and the other hours are made up of getting myself to that sitting place and then winding down after it. And you know what? It’s what I want to be doing, I want to be escaping there in that place were emotions aren’t required, in fact I’m kind of rewarded for not having emotions – I actually get paid for doing tasks just like a computer does tasks, purely mechanical and without much else going on. But lately it’s been bugging me, and the more I feel bugged by it, the more menial my tasks are becoming, then occasionally something sticks out and rather than reflect and maybe feel a bit, I go to clean up mode and avoid.
Last week for example I saw some videos of a guy who was extremely needy, he really wanted some kind of validation and he just looked like a fool. I can tell you that because that guy was me. What I did after seeing myself was perception management. I deleted a whole heap of videos of myself I uploaded on the Internet on various video accounts I created about 4 years ago. I felt embarrassed by them, that’s not how I am anymore I said to myself, I’m better than that. Who am I kidding! If I’m still trying to create a “good” impression of myself, and I cover up evidence to the contrary, I’m really the same.
Funny thing is I couldn’t delete them all, because I had this program that uploaded 1 video to about close to 20 separate video accounts and mind you I did more than one video. The idea was to spam the online video world and get back-links to my blog. Yep I was a spammer!
[blip.tv http://blip.tv/play/AbG8ZQI?p=1 width=”550″ height=”443″]
I just listened to it and well it was funny that I’m actually thinking different now. In the video I said something like: “happiness is not about what’s happening externally, because to be honest I’m not going to go into it but things are not that great in my life right now, I’m looking at how happiness is about a change in outlook”. I really believed happiness was all about reframing things, so if I felt bad, I talked myself out of it. And well, as I mentioned, I was talking myself out of it a fair bit. I was changing my outlook everyday but if I compare my life back then to now, things are so so much better externally and it might seem odd because of what I said above but I’m happier not reframing.
NB The reason I called the post “reframing history” is that was a course I took at art school. I did an overblown essay that was my personal view of history since Plato, I put my passion for philosophy into it and got a bad mark, and I really reframed history, I made every philosophy fit into my world view. Interestingly that footage was outside the art school years after. Right now for me, “reframing is history”. Yes I’m aware that sounds corny 🙂