Generally this is the type of reaction I have when I’m unsure about a particular situation I find myself in. When say I care about somebody or something, and I’m unsure where I stand, I’m in this instant dilemma. It’s hard for me, when I’m at this point, in the sense that I easily put many things through a low base opinion I have of myself, and often react thinking many things confirm that opinion, even when they don’t.
It doesn’t even need to be a good or bad situation, just an uncertain situation. So, even the sincere kindness people show me on many occasions, I automatically go looking for a reason where I’ve done right or well, rather than seeing there wasn’t a condition placed on me in the first place to deserve that kindness.
I can see how this really is a block to letting myself feel God. If God is loving, is kind and wants to show me how much I’m cared for, and wants that no matter who I am, or what I’ve done, or do, I still won’t be able to feel it, I’ll instead automatically shut any reception to that off, because for me, deep down I just can’t believe that type of love for me can even exist. It’s what I do generally, with God or with anyone I care about.
I guess the only remedy for that situation is faith, faith that God is loving, I mean it does logically make sense, so I can start there, experiment with the concept of God being loving, like God has love for me as I am, right now and from there, see how that changes the way I interact with God, or feel God. Often I do just talk to God, feel pretty much nothing back but persist, as I do have faith enough that I’m heard, but it’s the faith that I am loved which for me is the next logical step.
Some people might see this as playing with wishful thinking, but that just means for me that personal experimentation is always needed, continually so.