I’m stuck lately, I don’t know what it really is but writing things down helps me figure things out so I’ll try.
I don’t want to be in a place that’s chaotic and not be able to keep my family safe. I don’t want to be left either working just week to week to have what we need to live, and then just see all the things I want to do, all the things that inspire me get flushed one after another down the drain.
But that’s all I can see myself doing as I’m out of options. When things go bad in the city, jobs go, food prices go up, people get mad and psychopaths come out of the wood work. I’m afraid I’m not going to be a good husband. I’m not living the dream now so what capability am I going to have when life turns chaotic? How would I provide, how would I make things safe?
I’m scared things are just going to fall through my fingers like sand, all the things that I love, my daughter, my wife, I could lose them, they mightn’t want me anymore, I’ll lose it all, l’ll be by myself again, no one to love me, no one to understand me, just me and I’ll just drift away from God too like every other thing good that occurs in my life.
I don’t know that’s even it, maybe I’m just afraid because deep down I know I don’t have anything of real merit to give, I’m scared of seeing myself as a failure, a person no one wants, a person that should be discarded, and when that happens no one would even miss me. I’m scared of that, I’m so afraid that’s what is just going to happen because that’s what I believe myself to be deep down.
But deeper down I feel something is coming up like not just the pain and terrible views I hold about myself that I was so sure never existed, but deeper still is a feeling of love, a feeling that no matter how many things I suck at, all those things aren’t really me.
I’m a person like no one in the world, not one single soul is like me, not one single soul could see what I see, or feel what I feel and express that experience of being fully myself like I can do. It’s the rarest thing in the whole world being me, there’s not even one replica, not even one copy anywhere close.
So no one will ever talk like me, no one will ever sing like me, no one would ever think like me, no one would ever laugh like me and even have my sense of humour.
You know the most amazing thing in the world is? That every single other person is just like this, rare as the rarest diamond in the world, even much rarer. And isn’t it amazing that we can never stop finding out about ourselves or others?
I mean if we’re wanting to be receptive enough, we’d just want to know everything about every person we come in contact with. So every meeting could be like this amazing discovery, like David Attenborough finding a new species of animal in the deepest part of a never before seen region of some ancient rainforest. Can you imagine how exited he’d be? Imagine it.
For some reason I just had this insatiable urge to eat cheesecake! Time to go.