God in the dark

God I feel lost. I feel like I just want to let go, I don’t want to keep trying all the time, trying and failing, trying and failing again, always coming back to the same point, afraid and stuck in myself, so stuck I don’t want to feel it. Every time I’m stuck you encourage me, you forgive me, you love me, you show me how much real love is in my life but sometimes I don’t want to believe it, I don’t want to foster it. Please help me my God, help me, I’m just this small underserving boy, that’s afraid and I don’t know what scares me.

I think fuck it, it will be alright, I work hard and don’t get much pleasure, so I go to my addiction. I won’t go through with it I say, I’ll just look.

Then I look and start to masturbate, I forget about my world, my real love, my pain, my promises. Then I feel repulsed at myself, I’ve done it again, I’ve broken my promise I made to myself, I’m just proof that I’m not worth it, I’m just a phoney, I’m just a little kid that has no integrity, I don’t deserve love, I don’t deserve happiness, I deserve to be punished and repulsed.

Im just a lump of nothingness, but I don’t want to be, I’m not, I can prove it, I’m worth it God, I’m more than this pain I carry around with me, I’m more than the damage I do to myself and others, I’m more than nothing.

I just want you to know God that I still want you in my life, I still want you even though I’m afraid I’ll be rejected. I still want your love, even though all my life I’ve never felt I really deserve any. Even though all my life I struggle and continue to fall, falling and barely limping, and all the while I know you’ve been there. And I just can’t understand why?

Why do you have so much faith in me, why do you never let go, when all the time I want to let go of myself, when all the time I run into the darkness? I run because I can barely stand in the light, I’m a cripple there. Why do you always reach out to me, while I’m hiding in my darkness, hiding in my mind, hiding in my addictions? Your hand is there still, reaching into my darkest corners, calling me to come…

Come my son, come my beautiful son, don’t you see how much I love you, how much I adore you, how tender my love is for you, how could I ever leave you when you are so close to my heart? I am your father and I’ve been with you from the day you came to be and I will do so forever more. How could anything be more important than to hold one of my most treasured nearer to me?

I can never be disappointed with you, I have no need to rush you, or push you, I have complete faith in you and patience for you.

God there’s just so much pain to feel, there’s just so much pain in the world, I don’t know how I’ll ever cope, I don’t know how I could ever help. I can’t even help myself.

My son, I have given to you a most wonderful gift of you, with powers so far beyond you could scarcely imagine. Each one of you individually could transform the world a thousand times over just by being true to yourself. I have made you like flower buds, with petals of such beauty that just one of your open petals could transform and inspire millions to open and flower along side of you, changing world in a moment.

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