I’m not really sure about why even on this blog I’m apprehensive about talking about God. I know I don’t want to associate with the crazy people that go around pushing their ideas on others about God and the end of the world being nigh and such. So there’s definitely a thing about wanting to manage the impression I’m putting out, otherwise it wouldn’t be an issue for me. There’s been a bit of personal history about this situation though.
I went to catholic schools as a kid and when I was young, God was really important for me, I mean I prayed regularly in the sense that I just talked to God in my head. Back then it’s not that I heard a voice replying to my questions, I just felt a loving presence for lack of a better description.
As a teen though, I increasingly hid this from others, I just didn’t see that anyone else had that sort of thing going, so because I wanted to be accepted and I didn’t want to stand out, I keep this to myself. I didn’t want to talk much about it to my parents either who being church goers themselves, you’d think I’d be comfortable about talking about God, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t generally comfortable about talking about my feelings with them or anyone period.
After a while, because I really hated the Catholic school I went to, because I decided they were a bunch of hypocrites, I left that school, never went to church, except say Christmas time once or twice to please my parents and I stopped talking to God as well. I still reserved times to talk to God when I felt really down and had no one else to talk with.
Once at 16 being alone and completely drunk, I went to some random church late at night, hugging at the closed doors, slurring words to the affect of saying to God that I’m sorry for not being close to him anymore. I didn’t even know I was feeling any of that until I got off my face that night.
For me, the clincher though was when I was a pimply teen, I did a sort of experiment involving God and me and it didn’t really go to plan. Well the plan I had in mind anyway. The last major experiment involving God that worked for me was when I was 3. He answered my call then and for me this request as a 13 year old was much more important. Anyway, the experiment at 3 went like this…
I looked up at the sky and saw it was cloudy, but I wanted it to be sunny, so I asked God to remove the clouds and then the clouds started moving away from where the sun was, making a gap in the sky and the day turned sunny not long after. That one event had a huge impact for me, I knew as a child with complete resolve, without any questioning, that God was there for me.
So I did something similar at 13. I used to cover my forehead with hair because underneath I had an infestation of zits (pimples) and because I covered it up, no one saw the extent of it. I also used to scratch them pretty bad, I even used a kitchen scourer a few times to “smooth” them away.
So one day I looked in the mirror disgusted by myself and said to God that I would not hide this anymore, that I’d have complete faith in him, if he’d remove them magically. So the deal was set, I’d put my hair up and reveal my forehead showing my faith in God and he would just clear my skin. Simple right? It sounded fair to me.
I wet my hair and put it slicked right back. I walked into the kitchen where my mum was and she looked kind of horrified, she said “what happened, why is your skin so bad?” I ran to the couch and started crying, my mum comforted me saying that that’s not how God works but for me, God didn’t fulfil his side of the bargain and I held a grudge for a long while.
I guess I felt tricked by my parents, by the schools I went to, by God, or was God even real anyway? Back then I just kind of parked it. I wasn’t sure but I was sure that most people that talked about God weren’t sure either. That was my head speaking back then, my heart as evidenced by my hugging the church doors and many nights crying myself to sleep, talking to God about the girl that didn’t love me, showed something else was going on for me, something I was embarrassed to admit. I still sought for God.
I was an emotional child and a fairly emotional young adult but I did a good job shutting those emotions all down one after another and in my early to mid 30s, God, at least a personal God, just became a childish concept. I had grander concepts like God was the combination of all existence put together and that I could move my awareness into that God place if, we’ll only if I just could figure out how. I never could figure that one but then I also still prayed to God when my life went down the shitter (toilet), so something wasn’t quite consistent in me.
Lately things are a bit more consistent, I don’t want to keep fighting myself, pretending about anything. I don’t want to pretend about what God means to me, if though people think I’m crazy, maybe I’ll just have to work through that one, feel judged or what not, it’s just too tiring for me to keep hiding. Besides, I’m learning that people prefer me to be the real me, my wife does, so too God. In the end I can’t be anything but me, so why waste all the energy trying not to be?