A perplexing gift


Most of my life at present is filled with others wanting something from me, and I generally give the impression that that’s OK with me, that I’m able to deliver, that I’m able to make others happy. It’s a common theme at work and home. I get home and its straight away a pull for me, the dog barks over and over, he wants food or a walk, my daughter is pulling at my leg, she wants to be played with, my wife is telling me what’s on her mind, she wants to talk and I’m just getting a feeling of being overwhelmed, being stretched beyond my limit. Then the frustration comes up and I hold it in but it comes out like muck. It’s the same at work, there’s huge deadlines but the requests compound while the deadline stays the same, and I try to please.

I’m a pleaser, I get something out of this like I’m needed, I’m wanted and appreciated so I put this out there, the expectation that I will please. What’s under all this is I’m afraid that if I’m not pleasing those I care about, then I’m really nothing to them, and I don’t want to be nothing because nothing can’t be loved, as there’s nothing to love.

But then I wonder, why am I so blessed. I mean I’ve driven my wife to lengths that not many other woman would want to still be with me or even should, but she is. And she is by no means needing of me, she is the most wonderful and warm, sweet and beautiful person I’ve ever come to know and this wonderful person loves me. Sincerely loves me.

And my daughter, she is a living angel , she is such a beautiful, happy bright spark, who is just amazing and surprising and funny and smart. And she adores me as I do her.

Then there’s God. The guy I ignore most of the time. He’s still there, whether or not I ignore him, he’s there and loves me just as I am, and sometimes I really feel that. So I can’t honesty put two and two together often, on the one hand, I’m clinging to this lie about me, that I want to give but often I really want to take, take the feeling that I’m not this nothing. But then despite my lies, despite my deepest held feeling of not being wanted, I’m shown I’m wanted and loved and that’s a truly amazing but still perplexing gift. Strange as it seems, I feel more able to truly give knowing that.

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