All I want to do sometimes is just forget. Forget about this God stuff, forget about this feeling stuff, forget about looking at myself in the mirror.
It used to be easy, I didn’t have to feel so ashamed, I would just do things that made me feel good, that helped me forget, that made me at least believe I was part of the people around me. I don’t know God. I asked for you and you came into my life and now I just fail you. How the hell can I live up to all you imagine I can be? How can I be that guy who just always chooses the right path? How can I be someone you can be proud of? I really don’t want to fail you.
I hope. Yeah I hope and sometimes that’s all I can do. God I just can’t do it on my own, I can’t anymore.
I remember as a boy, it was simple. You were there somehow, and I had no concepts about you. Then all these things I wanted, all these dreams that I told myself, “one day when I’m grown up..” You know them.
Now I’m grown up. And it’s just impossible for me, its just so hard for me to look at myself and hear “you’re just a failure aren’t you. All your bullshit ideas, you couldn’t do any of it. You couldn’t even stay true to yourself for one day. You’re just a joke really.”
So what do you want from me God? How can you have faith in me when I just disappoint? What evidence do you have for all this love you say I deserve? I can’t see any of it. All I see is this dreamer. A dreamer that covers the reality of the world with a blanket woven in his own disguises.
Why is it you still love me? Why is it you still bless me?
Why did you give to me all this? Why would you want to waste it on someone like me?
I still don’t understand but I don’t want you to go. Don’t go. If you see something worth holding on to then I can hold on to that too.