What to lose?

I just had a holiday for a couple of weeks and had a really good time. I spent heaps of time with my wife, Maja, with my daughter Hala, did things I have fun doing like surfing, playing about on the beach, seeing new places and a whole bunch of other cool stuff. Also, had a lot of shit come up for me too, and I talked honestly about all that with Maja, we worked through it, we got back home and in my opinion, felt closer together. Now I’m wondering what I’m doing back in my old routine so far from the conditions that make me happy about life?

True the cynic will say that holidays can’t happen all the time, it’s just not reality. The cynic mind you isn’t someone else, it’s me, so I’ve got to look at that. You see for me, I believe I’m not a limited person like I’ve said before, I can do what I like, I’m not a product of scarcity that I need to spend hours of my life doing something I don’t want to do, just to earn my piece of what’s limited – you know the idea there’s not enough to go around, so we’ve got to do whatever we can to steal our piece of the pie and we’ll compromise ourselves to do so if that’s what it takes.

The thing is, there’s a definite contradiction with having this stated belief on the one hand, trumpeting about it on this blog and the reality of what I do which doesn’t always live up to it – those said beliefs.

If I really believed what I say about the fact that we are not limited and dependant beings, that we are not just subject to the whims of wherever the worldly winds will take us, I’d not being doing one thing I don’t want to do. But I am. So there’s something wrong, and it’s either what I say is incorrect and I know this and that’s why I don’t act on it, which makes me a hypocrite, or in fact I don’t really believe fully what I’m saying, which is also hypocritical really.

The former probably doesn’t need further discussion, other than concluding I’m intent on deceiving others and myself because I knowingly don’t act on what I say but the later I do want to talk about more.

The fact is I don’t really believe that I have the capacity to live my dreams, I might say it but Im not fully acting on it which can mean only that I’m not fully believing it either.

So what’s the issue then? It’s got something to do with what would happen if I choose never anymore to compromise on my own real truth, if I just said “no more, I’m going to only do what my heart tells me, from now on” and after saying that, I do that with complete conviction.

What would happen? What would happen is all my fears would come flooding to the surface. I’m afraid I’d have no income, I’d lose my job, my wife wouldn’t stick around, I’d start becoming dependant on others like my folks, or government payments, I’d be seen as a loser, a drop out, a failure… I might even starve, I might become a bum, end up in jail, be beaten up oh well honestly I could go on an on about these fears. Are they real though?

Its a good question, are fears real?From one angle I’d say fear is real because fear is a belief we hold on to in certain consequences that will happen if such a situation would arise. So while I have these fears, my first action is to avoid these situations at all costs. But that being said when the conditions are right I’d be still acting on those fears, so in a sense they are actually more primed to happen.

It’s like if I’m afraid people are going to judge me in a situation when I’m in front of an audience, then I just try to deal with that by avoiding that situation, eventually given the law of averages, I’m going to be in front of people and on the spot, and I’m going to be afraid and awkward, so I’m then more likely going to be judged – exactly what I feared would happen!

The truth though I reckon is it’s more direct than that law of averages thing. It’s more like rather than with a series of possible occurrences, the likelihood of one actually occurring over a longer period of time also increases , in my experience its more like I’ll be attracting the very situations I’m afraid of – so what I’m afraid of has the highest potential of happening over what I’m not particularly afraid of or indifferent to. Hence in my life particularly, similar things that I don’t really like, keep happening almost like clockwork.

So its stupid really, avoiding my fears because I’m running away from what I’m calling onto myself at the same time. It’s self defeating.

So what am I going to do with that? We’ll I’ve got to change, no? What could I possibly have to lose?

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