I’m a closet arsehole

I had a good talk last night with Maja and today as well at lunch. Last night was really 3am or thereabouts and when I say good, I don’t mean it felt good, opposite really. The thing with me is I’m sensitive to emotions of others and rather than this making me expressive of my own emotions, I avoid them, especially fear. I get scared of saying things to people who I feel will express anger at me, so I avoid expressing what I’m feeling. What happens then is I’m in this fear state, and that makes me talk with a smirk, like a half smile and a condescending one, which people often see as me silently ridiculing them, and that makes the dynamic uncomfortable and not only that, I’m then likely to have people annoyed at me anyway. Exactly what my fear was trying to avoid, I bring on.

But that’s only the surface. When the other person gets annoyed, I get annoyed that they are getting worked up. Although the truth is I’m expecting them to shut down too, like I’m doing and it’s really an anger about my personal inability to express negative emotions. Because, I do have negative emotions all the time, but I live in heavy judgement of myself having anger or frustration or annoyance, so honestly I judge others on the same terms. And that’s pretty fucked up because I’m always projecting this facade of Mr Nice guy and often I’m annoyed and judgmental. I’m a closet arsehole and that made me cry as I just felt that no one could love me like that and it just felt so unfair because I’ve been trying so hard to be nice, so hard and it’s so hard to love myself as I am now, broken and in progress. But I’m learning.

6 thoughts on “I’m a closet arsehole

  1. Geraldine

    I LOVE this !! It is quite insightful and it explains something I do too and how I think I come across to other people at times – thank you:))

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s