Withdrawing

I had a great talk with Maja, that’s my wife’s name about how we’re similar in the way we react to certain people, when most of the time we thought we were almost opposite. Some people just make me feel like withdrawing into myself, while others I’m almost like a different person, I’m with them naturally friendly, even it seems I’ve got a lot to talk about.

The thing is we’re both like that, but I’ve coped with it by pretending it’s not an issue for me, I’d just say that I don’t care about what other people think, it’s their issue if they judge me, not mine and she wouldn’t pretend, she would say when she felt bad about an interaction with other people. I often judged this, because for me, coping with this has always been to bury the feeling as quickly as possible, deny and pretend.

Obviously that only created many potentially unnecessary disconnects between us, because we felt the same although had different ways of coping it came from almost the same place. Mind you, my coping style is another step removed from reality than hers, so I had many chances then to learn from her, many of times honestly, I never took the opportunity to do so. But I am talking about it now so I’m making progress.

I’m not entirely sure either, what are the things that make me want to withdraw, I mean I know it’s usually got to do with a person being perceived as more adept than me, and so has a “right” to judge me as worse, and is a person who does judge others too.

Intellectually, I’d know that a person who is judgmental of others (lime I do), can’t be placed on any pedestal but I’d still cower emotionally anyway when in front of such a person. I guess it comes down to me believing a person exudes a type of confidence i don’t have and because if that, they could put me in my place anytime they wanted, especially if I was to stick out – so I withdraw to “protect” myself.

I suppose that’s what I did as a child, really all adults made me feel like that as a child and now as an adult not all do, but a few adults still do.

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