I didn’t want to go into what I feel the meaning is of this dream I had http://disorderlyhappiness.com/2012/01/05/satan-claus/. The reason being is I didn’t fully get what it was all about. I knew it involved fear and probably some stuff about dad but I wasn’t really sure.
Now if you’re someone who tends to see dreams and such at face value and you’re a Christian you might say that it was Satan just tormenting me because I’ve invited him into my life by writing about him – saying things like Satan and God are the same thing. Here’s all the posts about that:
That’s a lot of stuff about the devil. More about that later. But on the topic at hand. Let say Satan is an entirely separate being and he noticed while surfing the net some posts by me about him and God being not indifferent, clearly he’d be quite happy with this – wouldn’t he? I mean, it is an untruth (apparently) and doesn’t Satan like generally being deceptive? And isn’t the idea that he wants to de-throne his creator and be God?
He’d rather be patting me on the back, not coming to torment me in a dream for providing a whole bunch of free marketing for him. Tormenting me is not the way to get more of all that – is it? Worth thinking about if you are inclined to believe that kind of stuff.
Now back to the dream.
If we take the Jungian approach, each character in my dream is representative of an aspect of myself.
So, let’s look at Santa. He’s also called “Father Christmas”. That was the name I grew up with. Father Christmas gives only gifts to good boys and girls – he punishes the rest by refraining from giving. So not only do you not get your gifts if you were bad, but you get humiliated as well in front of your whole family come Christmas time. Nice!
Who else do we experience a person giving to us when we’re good and taking away when we are bad? Isn’t that the usual method for parenting?
What’s even more relevant to me is my father right now sees me as a bad boy. It all started a few weeks back when I didn’t go to the family Christmas thingy because my wife was ill and I didn’t want to leave her at home by herself.
So the evil Santa is my dad but more closely represents my emotional perspective on my father – who the dream is telling me, I still want be the “good boy” for – to receive the gift – my father’s love – in other words, receiving the love also makes me feel worthy of being loved. So lets just say I don’t feel worthy and that is being reflected in my external reality right now.
My father and mother have chosen not resume a relationship unless the relationship suits what the want from it. Problem is what they want is for me to be unloving to myself by accepting their projections of anger, character judgement on myself and my wife, accepting anything said contrary to my own personal experience and not question them on any of this.
(Update: Parent’s are now willing to talk through a mediation process. Certainly to be confronting for all)
But back on topic, what’s interesting is the dream language and how perfect it is.
I’ve shown the connection to the evil Santa and my father. But what about me?
In the dream I was a Pinocchio type character. I was wooden and made of wooden cubes like kids building blocks. Pinocchio if you remember wanted his creator’s (father’s) love by becoming a real boy. So he set himself to prove his worth and this led him down the wrong track, he became a “bad” boy. Pinocchio also had a peculiar trait that exposed any lie by an external change – his nose would grow.
First up – wooden. Tells me I am unable to feel the true grief. Wood is not as bad as stone which, in degrees is harder heart. The phrase in the Bible is relevant here (Ezekiel 36:26):
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
Pinocchio’s (my) heart of wood then is not quite ready to feel the emotional truth on this but not being a heart of stone is actually on it’s way to feeling with a heart of flesh. A heart of flesh is completely open to feeling.
The other reference to Pinocchio’s condition, is really an emphasis of this. Pinocchio is unable to be a convincing liar. In fact his nose growing kind of precludes him from actually lying at all as it’s immediately obvious to anyone when he distorts truth. So the intent of lying to avoid responsibility can never be achieved. It’s indicating to me that I’m closer now to a person with “the heart of flesh” – a person that cannot deny truth even to oneself. Truthfully, I’m finding it hard and harder to avoid truth, even if there’s a part in me wants to “white lie” to make things easier, I’m finding there’s a physical repulsion in me that automatically arises. Kind of like eating something really sour.
Interestingly my folks feel my disclousure of our family life is a lie and an avenue to avoid personal responsibility.
The next part is fairly straight-forward as to the origin of my wooden heart. I was made of blocks, childhood wooden blocks. Hence emotional blocks (blockages) from childhood. So that’s point me in the right direction.
The next part after that was about being laid down on a table – it was like an operating table and evil Santa started cutting through my limbs here. There was a huge amount of fear in me in the dream at that time. What I did notice was that the blocks were flying out around me as I was being hacked into.
This is about how I am to have a heart of flesh – through the willingness to confront the fear. This willingness is not about standing up as an equal aggressor but lying down, baring myself (my truth) despite the fear. And this is the path to removing my blocks. It is the confrontation that doesn’t defend, doesn’t protect and allows all feeling (bad and good ones) to surface through the fear, or even while experiencing the fear that all these childhood blocks will be dismantled.
And the devil in the background – who / what is that? This is as Jung often states “the shadow” of myself. In the dream, that’s just where he lurked – behind the scene, in a darkened corner of the room, too dark to see but a presence I was fully aware of being there. The shadow of myself from an emotional perspective is the damaged self – the pain that exists inside of me that I’m unwilling even now to see, let alone feel.
The shadow represents the deepest causal emotions still and now within me.
UPDATE: Another relevant dream last night: I spoke to my father about my emotional hurt caused by him. At that point he turned to his mother (now dead) and told her that she hit him as a child (hit could just as well mean caused emotional pain). She denied it, but it was clear to all of us that she knew she lied. Both my father and grandmother began to tear-up. I told them that they are feeling the truth and that it’s good for people to cry about such things. Suddenly I felt a profound sense of peace and a love I felt perhaps was from God to me.