Need I say more?
I suppose not but I did mean to.
Think about it, we, myself included can be drowning in our own denial – we won’t even know the mountain stands above us, the mountain is where we can swim to safety, where we can rest and understand why we where drowning in the first place. But often we’re just too deep, and others are with us – drowning. And it’s all “normal” and accepted – so we’re meant to be here – right?
We don’t want to leave others behind – drowning perpetually with us because one of the reasons is we don’t want to be left alone. Anything but that! Drowning with others is far better than being alone.
That’s the psychology behind it if you will. I know this is somewhat cryptic and many at this point might be thinking – what’s he actually talking about. So I’ll cut to the chase.
I haven’t written much here for a while as I’ve been writing an essay. It’s about our ancient past, the story of Cain and Abel and possible connections to what people are calling the Illuminati. It’s taking me some time and it’s rather academic – but I’m so far enjoying where it’s going. The thing is though, I tend to write academically to hide my own distrust in myself. The funny thing is the essay talks a lot about how our own innate distrust in our personal ability to feel everything around us, to feel our harmony with God, with nature, with all the laws governing the universe – has ultimately detached us from the benefits of what we are inherently capable of doing. The possibilities are in fact endless, but from where we are that’s incomprehensible. It goes way beyond trusting our “gut”. The thing is most of us, including me find it hard to even trust my own feelings!
But why? Where did this all come from? And why can’t I learn to trust my own capabilities?
We don’t want to really answer these questions because doing so will often reveal something we prefer to keep buried.
You know, as children we have an almost inexhaustible trust in our parents?
Imagine a child with all her emotional senses fresh, raw and primed with a receptiveness that’s almost impossible to comprehend for many of us adults. She can feel her parents, she feels all their emotions – when they love her, when they are tired of her, when they have curiosity and interest her, when they ignore her. As a baby, she feels them – but they don’t appear to feel her. “Is there something wrong with me” – she may be feeling… “Am I not important enough to be heard”. It’s a curious thing to think that perhaps the bulk of a baby’s cries are about the grief of losing the feeling of their parents’ love – from moment to moment. But also the interesting thing is, children grow into toddlers, then into children and no matter how switched off their parents are emotionally from them, they trust and they love them irrespective. What I’m saying is it takes a lot for a child to begin to become distrustful of their parents. Because we are born with an abundance of love and trust to give and there’s no question to whether it’s warranted or not. It doesn’t need to be earned – it is already there and doesn’t shift for a very a long while.
Hence with all that trust for our parents, it’s far easier to begin to distrust ourselves – that we are in the wrong. When we feel we are subject to our parent’s love being removed – even if temporarily, even if mummy’s tired and has had a hard day at work and just doesn’t have time – we feel we are in the wrong. Our need is wrong – not the absence of their willingness to give – we are the problem, we are wrong. This is where the denial sets in and why I’m writing this to begin with.
By many standards my own parents where great. They feed me well, clothed me, educated me, took interest in me etc. Now while I’m daring to delve into my own personal emotional history, I hit this wall – look at all the terrible parents out there by comparison, what am I doing here – digging into my own emotional memories – am I constructing all this, am I just trying to blame others (my parents) for my own inabilities (or problems as my brother puts it)?
That’s where this mountain analogy comes in. Consider the state of our government – its easy to say they’ve messed things up. By and large we believe the government needs to be there and it’s serves an important purpose, but we don’t have too much problem criticizing it and still accept it as normal at the same time. Consider the media, the financial system, our corporate culture – all these things are seen as being an integral and normal part of our society. But generally it’s not too hard to want seek the truth about them and expose that truth.
Consider then a normal family, normal when the kids are feed, clothed, schooled, taken on family vacations, bought toys and such etc. It’s normal of course unless there’s abuse or neglect – so if it has none of that and all of the former stuff, then that’s good, right? Sure, but if the other normal and accepted things in our society aren’t necessarily good, do their fair share of damage and really just reflect the deeper fabric of our society – then why are we so certain that a normal family has no damaging effect on us?
We are so certain because we are in denial about our own damage. If we are all in denial, our brothers and sisters, our parents, their parents, our parents parents etc. etc. then we’re all drowning but drowning together – like a family should do! So here’s where the scary feeling of going it alone has to be confronted because alone is precisely how we felt – when our emotional connection with our parents was gone, when we felt unloved, when we felt afraid that no one was there to love us at those moments. It is precisely that alone that we deny. So we are not only afraid of being isolated from our family but we are afraid of feeling or more accurately re-feeling fully that isolation from our own parents love for us. And it is the truth, the emotional truth that takes us there. But as we drown so deep in our own denial, to the point that we’d rather hold on to the normal idea, that there’s nothing to see here – that the normal is good… then we are only left with one option and that is to attribute the damage completely to us – our damaged nature from the beginning. So among many other things – the inability to trust our own feelings, the inability to love, the inability to be our true selves are then primarily flaws in our own character. So it’s much easier for many to view ourselves as flawed by nature (by God) than to feel the truth about our apparent ‘normal’ life.
There’s just one thing to say about truth before finishing….
Truth never blames and when it does – it’s no longer the real truth.