This post may be somewhat personal. If that’s something that bothers you, don’t read on. I’m not sure how much I’ll go into everything, but lets see how it goes.
Last night, I fell from my bed, landed on my right hand and really hurt it. It felt as though I’d fractured it. Before I went to bed I masturbated, it’s a little vice of mine – when something’s troubling me and I’m alone at night, I sometimes go and look at internet porn. That’s the personal thing I suppose. To much information? We’ll there’s more. On a side note though, if you don’t masturbate ever or never have you’re completely free of emotionally injuries or you’re blocked sexually in a different way to me. Somewhat black and white, I know but some things are and considering I know of no one free of emotional damage, then there’s just one answer left.
But that’s not the story I want to tell. The story is about when you really go into feeling, you really go into healing. The rhyme is a bit silly but that’s what’s happened to me. Today I went to a gym session. I do a thing called Crossfit. I really like it but because of my hand injury, just about say 6 hrs ago, I couldn’t participate. I felt bad about that. Something else about my right side of my body is worth mentioning. I’ve got a fungus growing between a couple of toes on the right foot.
Now I’m talking about this because the right hand side of our body’s designates something to do with the masculine side of our soul. See the book “The body is a barometer of the soul”. So when physical ailments are the right side of the body, it’s pointing to something deeper – likely to do with dad. But until a few moments ago – that was just a premise, I couldn’t say what it was really about.
I just knew I felt bad. So I got a towel, lay on the couch and asked God to help me understand, help me feel what it’s all about, help me feel through it. Invariably, if you’re with any person you feel really wants to listen to you and that person is completely free of judgement even to what you judge yourself for, you can really open up. And when you really open up, so do the emotions. So laying things all out for God, who loves perfectly – with words or even muffled incoherent words under a towel full of tears and saliva – got me to the depths of something.
My dad is a person I’ve always felt so much for. I wanted so much to be like him when I was young. I wanted to be tall like him, I wanted to look like him, I wanted his colour hair, a golden brown – I wanted to be wise like him. I wanted to be completely Anglo Saxon like him but I was half Asian and short. My dad didn’t want me as an as yet unborn child. I found this out recently from mum after a dream (God repairs and renews the carpet free of charge).
My dad’s mum had a heart attack when she found out my dad was marrying my mum. My mum is Asian. My grandmother was tall and fair-haired and a racist. My father’s babysitter was more of a mum to my dad than his real mum, who was cold and completely over kids by the time my dad came into the world as child number six I believe.
My dad was considered a clown by his family. His feet just were not on the ground and they never believed he’d amount to much. As a young man he choose to spend close to 20 years in Papua New Guinea and drank a lot of booze. My parents have always seen me as a dreamer, far too sensitive for the real world. And too, my feet we’re never on the ground either, not as a boy and not as a man. Dad has never told me as a man that he is proud of me. Dad I’m sure was never told by his mother any words of encouragement, period.
Besides wanting to be my dad’s race as a child, I always thought blonde haired girls where the most attractive. I was embarrassed about other kids seeing my mum, who was Asian and I felt Asians weren’t attractive.
Can you see how much I just wanted to be wanted by the damage of not being wanted? When the news came about my mum being pregnant with me, I was seen by dad as an interruption to dad’s one chance to prove he was much more than a clown to his only surviving parent – his once tall distinguished fair-haired racist mum. He was studying at university with hopes of one day doing a doctorate when I came into existence.
So it hit me, the fact one of my preferred porn stars, Briana Banks is tall and blonde has an emotional history. You see in my fantasy, I am wanted by the type of woman that wouldn’t want me because I am the unwanted short half Asian. I wanted my dad to want me and as I child I could also feel the unwanted-ness of dad by his own mum. The ongoing pandering we all had to do around this cold woman who was ashamed of her son and his two half-caste boys.
Right now, I’m writing this a few days after the above experience. I’ve put off posting it because it’s exposing for me. But I’ve come to know that the truth really does set you free.
The amazing thing about that night was just how deep I got into these feelings and the flood of emotional knowledge that came to me. Not only that but an amazing thing happened. For me it’s something as close to a miracle I’ve experienced.
You see, as I said a few hours earlier, my hand was close to unusable. I actually thought I’d fractured it. After the deep emotional release and one of the deepest connections I’ve felt to God, I felt my hand was different – it just felt much better. Immediately I went to test it. I couldn’t do any sort of lifting with it earlier, then I was doing chin ups with the tips of my fingers grasping a door frame’s top. And today, without a hitch I did 100 chin ups from a jump without any hand issue. I also felt much stronger than before. My right foot toe fungus too was close to gone. Trust me, if someone told me this – I’d be very skeptical.
For me this was also a demonstration about what I wrote earlier:
If we consider that love activates personal growth in our lives such as love for our body helps us to grow in health; or love for others helps us to grow in compassion, then it must also be true that to receive God’s love is to activate renewal and growth in each and every facet of our lives in the quickest and most economical way possible. We can know this as there can be no other love as powerful as God’s love in existence.
After doing my little test (me of little faith), I felt this immense sense of gratitude, as well as an immense sense of love coming from God. Thank for all that God!