God, there’s so much I want to say. I don’t know where to start. I’ll try from the beginning of where this idea to post this started.
My wife who is not too happy with me right now, which I might get to below, said something that started me thinking about really letting go. She said that we eventually have to face that we can’t control what will happen to us, that because of that we will somehow have to surrender to that and have trust that God will always be there for us. Now my wife doesn’t believe AJ is Jesus mind you, but she says its not important anyway as long as it helps me and as long as I don’t become sucked into something where I lose myself (which is contrary to what AJ and Mary talk about anyway).
I remember AJ speaking about self-reliance and God-reliance. I’m still being self-reliant – one of the main reasons I’ve wanted to connect with God, was to start overcoming all the pain and inadequacies of my life – so I’ve thought I’ll work hard at processing emotions so I can start releasing all the dark, mucky feelings that attracts all the crap in my life, and with God’s help get through it so I can start feeling good more often and start achieving what I want. God is in the picture there, yep but She’s definitely a side thought, kind of like a complimentary gift that comes with what I really want – to feel good.
So if there was a faster way to do this without connecting with God, I’d probably be doing that.
So anyway, today i watched a recent Divine Truth Youtube post where Mary mentions that the bravest moment she had in relation to her family’s disapproval of her was not by taking the personal stance irrespective of them but by being honest in herself about feeling that she just can’t live the life she wants while her family doesn’t approve and that she has to give up on her happiness as she just doesn’t feel strong enough. That was the time she really started feeling and releasing those emotions. By doing that those emotions no longer drive her as much so she’s now much more ready to live through her own desires.
This inspired me today so I started trying to confront everything that really really scares me and those things I really don’t want to see in myself. I wrote those down a few hours back. So here they are:
I’m not going to be able to save my wife and child. They will die a horrible painful death and I won’t be able to do anything about it because I am so scared and weak. Everything I do in my life to try and make things better eventually fails because I am lazy and self centered but that’s because I don’t want to see that I just don’t have the capabilities to be successfully so I can’t be loved fully by anyone. I have no control of my life, I have no control of myself.
When I wrote that I started crying on the train then on the platform. I stopped when my wife rang and told me she had a really really shit day. She didn’t want me crying and I didn’t want to make her feel any worse. So I stopped but she could still tell anyway so it kind of made no difference.
Now she wanted me to comfort her, I instead showed her what I wrote, that didn’t go down well. We argued. I preached. She got distant. I preached again. She got angry. I started to cry. She got more angry. I went out in the rain and really really started to cry.
Now this is where I begun to see that God is more than a bonus on my path to happiness, but really more like a really good friend. I start saying in my mind how confused I am, how I’ve gone down this path and it’s made me feel my love grow so much for my wife that I just want her to know me and be 100% honest with her but that it’s now feeling like I’m driving her away, that I can’t actually get into these emotions, that I want to give up, that Im so so afraid of losing everything I love…
And then I really just felt God listen, listen with full attention and zero judgement and I could just start really open up to Her, all these things I am so terrified of owning up to, even to myself – suddenly I felt God listens, in fact She completely wants to hear it. I cried and shaked as I told Her everything.
Then suddenly I wasn’t so afraid anymore. I’m only now starting to get the concept of surrendering my soul to God. Im beginning to feel that a relationship with God is not the complimentary bonus prize but the actual reward I’ve been seeking all this time without even knowing it.