God I can’t even say your name

Sometimes I just what to cry it out, but I get stuck and can’t figure out why. Can you tell me? I try to connect with you and can feel you there but I have trouble distinguishing your voice from myself and even others. I know who I am but it’s the fact that I don’t have the capacity to see you that makes it even more difficult.

I guess the distance between my feelings and translation into words is too wide for me. Is it that I’m not used to it or that I don’t really want it and this whole life is a reflection of what I really desire – a disconnection from you?

That doesn’t make it one bit easier. A lot of times, I feel like I want to forget it all, go back to the time I was really clueless. At least in the dark there’s nothing to see, so nothing new to confront me and I can believe then I know it all.

But I wasn’t happy there, in fact I covered myself so much with layers of protection that happiness wasn’t a thing I could feel anyway. For sure it was a concept I believed I knew well – I’d say I was happy when I was just numb. But now when I cut myself, I really feel it and I see the blood run.

I know you can heal me but I have trouble asking for it with all my heart. When I come close, I feel your warmth and because your love for me is so perfect, I feel exposed. I feel when you see me in the full light of your love with all my flaws, you couldn’t possibly love me anymore and that is the confirmation of what I feel about myself that I am so afraid of making a reality. So I stay in this self delusion for another day.

It’s so much a part of me now that its almost a reflex, even when everything I’m beginning to learn about you points to the opposite, I still retract from you and hide again. I still can’t even say your name.

2 thoughts on “God I can’t even say your name

  1. Fellow Traveller

    How difficult it is to take that final step. To ask for God’s divine love is simply to pray for it. Simply??? Hmmm. What prevents me. I feel unworthy of God’s love, why should he love a nothing like me? I feel too burdened with “sinful” thoughts, I reason with myself that I need to cleanse myself before I will be worthy. The problem is that I can’t do that without admitting that I can’t and earnestly ask God to remove this burden from me. After a lifetime of resisting perceived negative influences, risking alienation from the “norm” to hold true to my values, it is very difficult relinquish my need to control these things and have faith and trust in anyone else. It’s a dilemma. Should I content myself with working through Natural Love? How can I when every fibre of my being is screaming out for more. I wish you love and blessings on your journey.

    1. David Wall Post author

      Thank you Fellow Traveller. I know what you mean, It’s like I’m relying on myself to put myself in the right place to even consider being in the position receive Divine Love. Kind of topsy-turvy but it’s so ingrained and I guess you’ve hit the right spot when you say it’s all about control – or fear of losing it. When you go down into that an see that’s because I, we feel we don’t really have control essentially then it’s just that much more… silly to imagine we’re trying to hold on to what we don’t even feel we have in the first place 🙂 Love to you also!


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