Sometimes I just what to cry it out, but I get stuck and can’t figure out why. Can you tell me? I try to connect with you and can feel you there but I have trouble distinguishing your voice from myself and even others. I know who I am but it’s the fact that I don’t have the capacity to see you that makes it even more difficult.
I guess the distance between my feelings and translation into words is too wide for me. Is it that I’m not used to it or that I don’t really want it and this whole life is a reflection of what I really desire – a disconnection from you?
That doesn’t make it one bit easier. A lot of times, I feel like I want to forget it all, go back to the time I was really clueless. At least in the dark there’s nothing to see, so nothing new to confront me and I can believe then I know it all.
But I wasn’t happy there, in fact I covered myself so much with layers of protection that happiness wasn’t a thing I could feel anyway. For sure it was a concept I believed I knew well – I’d say I was happy when I was just numb. But now when I cut myself, I really feel it and I see the blood run.
I know you can heal me but I have trouble asking for it with all my heart. When I come close, I feel your warmth and because your love for me is so perfect, I feel exposed. I feel when you see me in the full light of your love with all my flaws, you couldn’t possibly love me anymore and that is the confirmation of what I feel about myself that I am so afraid of making a reality. So I stay in this self delusion for another day.
It’s so much a part of me now that its almost a reflex, even when everything I’m beginning to learn about you points to the opposite, I still retract from you and hide again. I still can’t even say your name.