I used to be a real post modernist. All this really means is I stopped believing in finding truth. If I’m not able to find it, if I don’t really want to feel that I’m incapable of finding it and there’s a philosophy that pats me on the back for avoiding that feeling of being incapable saying – you know David, best just accept it, truth doubtfully exists and it’s not just impossible to find, you couldn’t comprehend it through the filters of your own personal perspective… and say you, by some divine intervention understand truth, you’d never be able to communicate it because we are all limited by nature – and just look at all the damage caused by all those deluded individuals claiming to know truth…. lets just celebrate our multifaceted limits – that is what humanity is all about… after all?
Imagine that feeling of powerlessness inside of me – this would be a very nice and fitting idea not to touch that painful feeling. I have a sense of shared connection to all those others who are also limited, just like me – incapable of knowing truth… ALL incapable so in comparison with others, I’m not worse off than anyone else, I’m OK… So I don’t have to feel incapable anymore.
Feelings… those subjective things I’ve spent my life running away from. But I couldn’t get away – not this time. My preference for thinking became more and more useful (so I thought). Yes, I understood thinking is still subjective but at least it’s far more objective than feeling things… No? I didn’t want to come across as the guy that’s extremely deluded by not only believing he has found Truth (with a capital “T”) but is also relying on his feelings as a guide. Isn’t that just the mark of a madman? But the truth is I secretly thought I knew the Truth anyway.
I looked down on all those mere mortals, still struggling to know the secret truth I was blessed with. But oddly that same blessing never really brought a blessing towards creating a life of passion, happiness and fulfillment – I had a trick for that one too:
“It is all just an experience” – the ups and downs and ins and outs of it all are in fact just part of the fabric of life… Yes… that fabric of life that started weaving itself around my neck and started to choke me, what a lovely fabric – but it’s choking me, no it’s not that’s all just an experience….. choking feeling….. just an experience…..choking……closing in on me…choking…. closing , closing………….. trapped – aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh – eventually I just had to FEEL IT!
Then I felt a truth – perhaps closer to a Truth (with a capital T) than all those truths I’ve been using to cover up this truth. I’m scared – really really afraid to feel something behind all this. I’m scared to feel that I’m not that special or blessed, I’m actually a person who is (feels) the opposite of special and because of that I do not deserve to be really Loved – I need to earn it… somehow but I’m already way behind the starting block – how on earth is it possible then to even make a place in the race for deserved Love?
Instead, I’ve become an addict of acceptance – that’s the next best thing to love isn’t it? And when that doesn’t happen… I’ll become the master of my Acceptance philosophy… accept accept accept – all experiences in the playground of life.
But imagine that for a moment. A playground that I’d take my dearly loved little girl to – just so she can experience not simply having fun but the whole gamet of human experience – including pain?? That’s madness – that’s not a PLAYground!
Why would a loving God, our Father and Mother create a place for us like that? How could I really ever connect the belief that God is love, with God makes us suffer – just so we can experience it!
The only way is self-denial.
Freedom starts with the truth of who I am.