Lately I’ve had a real turbulent time. But at the same time I’m beginning to get in touch with how I feel – this is a really new thing. The thing is as a child I was alway told that I’m too sensitive – maybe I cried too much for the people around me, so as an effect I tried (as best I could) to stop. That’s been with me for over 30 years.
So lately, because of the hurt I’ve brought my wife by being truthful about events I was hiding – hiding for fear of losing the things I love in my life – my beautiful wife and child, I sucked it in and thought to myself this is the right thing to do. It will be the lie I never tell and I’ll make sure I do the right thing from this point forward.
That’s a valid argument, probably what most people would advise – but knowing that these sort of things will end up being internalized and damaging in the long term for my wife and child and even myself, I did something different.
Now I’m living the consequences of that hurt and that’s the reason things are really turbulent now.
So, I’ve been crying more that I’ve done before – well a lot more. Most days really. I cry often after a gym workout in the sauna – it’s quiet, the room is surrounded by wood and works to muffle the sounds of weeping fairly well. The mucus might be a bit of a problem though (just thought I best take a towel in there with me).
The reason I’m letting all these emotions out is that I’ve come to realize that emotions are what actually drives my life – not thought, not rational processes – these things are what we use to explain away to ourselves later. So getting to the the emotions, experiencing them is the best way actually to know myself and free myself at the same time (a free those around me from my damaged emotions that turn to hurtful behaviors).
Yesterday, I got to something really deep – an emotion that tends to create a whole series of secondary emotions – the ones that are more acceptable and we imagine (in our soul) are easier to deal with. I was crying, it was probably about the same thing over the last week. I felt a blockage. I prayed to God to make me understand what I’m blocking or in other words – what I don’t want to feel.
It came to me – I don’t want to feel that I was not loved by my parents. Then the feelings of I was not wanted, I was a mistake came out (with strong weeping noises and curling up and out of a ball – sorry gym patrons!)
This was the feeling I was denying in myself, I felt for a moment that I was even in the womb of my mother and knowing this stuff, well feeling it and feeling not wanted. Pretty heavy stuff to want to feel, makes sense I avoided it.
The truth is though, it was only about 5 mins of feeling this, then the crying stopped and I felt amazing – I felt finally free – I felt I no longer the need to do things to regain the want, I felt no longer guilty for being alive. I felt that beyond all this that God loves me and I was needed after all.
Later that day I rang my parents (who have by the way been very supportive, since I’ve been very open about this stuff). I asked them if I was a planned pregnancy. I wasn’t, in fact I came at a time when my father was studying at uni and my mother was the bread winner. There must have been a lot of thoughts about not wanting the baby because it must have felt like a very difficult period in their lives. The strange thing is, my daughter came also at a very difficult time in our lives and we both had many feelings of not wanting her too.
After all that I actually feel much more love from my parents than ever before but now also so much more independence from needing it also.